yeah… I’m a formerly.

“Formerly Hot is about looking at the unvarnished truth about getting older–the good, the bad, and those unexpected bitchslaps that still seem to come out of nowhere, even if you’re relatively well adjusted to the fact that you’re not forever 21. It’s about those moments–whether it’s when you’re the one wishing your neighbors would turn down the music because it’s after 10, or when you’re bracing yourself for the come-on that never comes–when it is suddenly ultra clear that you’re occupying an entirely new category of human being.

The longer I spent on this side of young, the clearer it became that Formerly Territory was a much happier place to live, for me and the hundreds of women I spoke to about it. There are distinct upsides to being a Formerly, ones that no one talks about. I used to feel like a composite of other people’s opinions of me; now, I am comfortable with who I am, and other people’s opinions are, well, just their opinions. I follow my instincts, what’s comfortable for me, rather than what I think I “should” do or what everyone else seems to think is the move. Life feel less intense, less dramatic, more relaxed and peaceful. In other words, time passes. Things change. And that’s cool.”- taken from Stephanie Dolgoff’s blog

This book was painfully true and totally hilarious. I sat by myself in my house and cackled out loud as I read it.

It made me remember the days when I could get anywhere I wanted at a White Zombie concert just by wearing my black vinyl pants and flashing a bit of my “tramp stamp” tattoo. That was such false advertising- I wasn’t a tramp then, and I’m sure as shootin’ not one now!  In fact, that’s a classic illustration of Stephanie’s point- At that time I was absolutely a composite of what other people thought I should be. A mom is what I was meant to be.

You may not believe this, but back on the other side of young I was accused of having a perfect heart shaped… ahem… booty. Now, the only thing I own that’s perfectly heart shaped is my actual heart- so far so good with the cardiovascular system ;)  I do still find myself being shocked when I catch a quick peek in a mirror or store window and my dumpy mom self looks back (there’s that bitchslap… ooof.)

One of my favorite chapters was when she addressed the misery that is jean shopping. What’s a person to do when she can’t stomach mom jeans and should under no circumstances should she wear “young, broke and fabulous jeans”. Stephanie came up with some great names for jeans that I think some company should run with- there’s some money to be made.

Solvent and Still Viable

Nothing to Prove Jeans

I Forgot More than You’ll Ever Know Jeans

So Over It Jeans

You Wouldn’t Believe What I’ve Been Through Jeans

You Just Wait Jeans

Been There, Did That (Twice) Jeans

Forgiven and Forgotten Jeans

You Didn’t Invent Sex Jeans

I’m submitting the following names to her list-

I GAVE BIRTH TO A 9 POUND BOY JEANS

and

IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE JEANS.

(a quick fyi- I’m giving this author a “STEPHEN KING” rating for language. She’s got a mouth on her, so if you want to avoid that, be aware. That is all!)